Full disclosure: I don’t know where this is going, but let’s figure it out together, shall we?
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. It was the first year in a few years I didn’t post a Boy Meets World quote that ALWAYS comes to mind on the aforementioned date, also lovingly called Singles Awareness Day. So let’s start with that:
“Ya know, this whole Valentine’s Day thing is one big scam. The greeting card companies, the candy stores, all trying to rip off the innocent consumer.” “No date, huh?” “I am so lonely.”
So why didn’t I post it this year? I certainly remembered it. But you know, I’m single. I accept it. I don’t pretend I’m not. I don’t think I’m bitter about being single. I’m actually okay with being single sometimes. I’m confident in who I am. If I wasn’t okay with it before, living in Haiti is basically forcing me to be okay with being single. I think I’m healing, healing from a number of things. I’m healing from a heart that was broken a while back, healing from the part of me that desires touch and desire, healing from the guy-revolving part of me that controlled my life and wrecked me. So here I am, and I’m okay with it…kind of.
I’ve joked with Pat and Em about them needing to find me a boyfriend. But then they state the obvious: “Well, you’re in Haiti so…,” or, “It’d be a lot easier if you were actually back in the States!” Which only reminds me of Katie Davis–the amazing woman behind the Amazima foundation/ministry and the author of Kisses From Katie. She married her now-husband a little over a year ago (and they like just announced they’re expecting their first biological child–to add to their adopted thirteen kids!). Even though they’re from the same hometown, they never met until he was doing mission work in Africa, where she has lived for nearly a decade. So that gives me hope–even if I do crazy stuff like live in Haiti for years, I could still find earthly love.
I’ve spent HOURS talking with my bestie, Em (also my cousin, soul sister, future Maid of Honor, etc), about our dream weddings and dream husbands. We have drawn our dream wedding dresses, cakes, and planned literally everything countless times. We’ve spent so many hours talking about what we desire in our future husbands. We’ve also spent a ton of time wondering about how we’ll meet them and how we’ll “know.”
I just have this love thing. I love the idea of love. I want that fairytale romance, can’t-get-enough-of-each-other love. I want the man who will hold my hand, dance with me because he can, laugh with me, cry with me, brush my hair out of my eyes (I’m a MAJOR sucker for this, as I’ve already said before…), go to Mass with me, and wants to have a life and family together. Being a wife and mother is truly all I need to be joyous in this earthly life. That’s my goal. It may seem silly or selfish or shallow or anything else starting with the letter s, but it’s true. I desire love. It’s out there, I have to believe it. I just wish I didn’t have to put my heart on the line every time. Because so far, all this love thing has done is crush me. It’s out there. Somewhere.
*and yes, the title of this post does allude to yesterday’s post on The Beatles*