It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I haven’t known what to write until now (and even this is going to be in true Abby fashion in that it’s basically word vomit to come…and a ton of ellipses). But I’ve been trying to figure out who I am and how I have arrived at this current version of me. I think I’ve pinpointed one specific moment, but here’s where I’m at right now with regards to who/what I want to be:
- To be stronger…to embody my favorite quote: “And though she be but little, she is fierce.”
- To even know what my hopes, dreams, etc are…all I know at this point is I want to be a wife and mother more than anything but that isn’t enough, at least by society’s standards…at least I feel like I need to have something to tide me over til that point
- To have my thoughts and reality more aligned
- Freedom…from my past, my anger, my depression, society’s ideals…
- Community of some kind…I lost all that and with that, a major part of who I am/was
- To learn to trust but not give my whole heart and self…find balance within
- To figure out who I am, not who I have been molded to be and molded to want to be
- To slow down and not go all in from the get go
Two of those are particularly what I want to work towards achieving: “to learn to trust but not give my whole heart ands self…find balance within” and “to slow down and not go all in from the get go.” I like to think I’m getting better at the second one, but that’s just me. With this guy I’m interested in and may or may not be seeing (?????), I’m not getting as…invested? That sounds terrible, but like I can’t think of the right word. I’m not jumping ahead. And that’s a MAJOR milestone for me!!!! Slowing down is exactly what I need, so I think that’s a good sign?
I’ve been hurt by giving my all and I don’t know how many more times I can get back up from the pain. Hopefully working towards these goals will help with that while also helping me heal a bit more. I know I have a good support system (small but mighty), so thanks to them, I think I’ll be okay in the long run. I mean, I have to be, right? Peace and love, friends.
Oh, and GO PATS!!!!!